Gig Review: Laneway Festival @ Sydney College Of The Arts
13 hours sleep the night before Laneway Festival Two Thousand and Twelve. Not in preparation for The Big Event, but more because that's the precise amount of time required for my 29 year-old shattered internal digestive mechanisms to properly dispose of the moderate volume of alcohol I consumed at Danny Wood's 30th Birthday Celebration the night before.
6 times my Wife asked me "are you sure you're ok?" on the journey from The Love Nest to The Powerade.
45 minutes between the completion of DZ Deathrays' set and my breakfast being consumed.
1,450 kilojoules tightly packing into my Double Bacon Breakfast Butty.
11 times I claimed "nah, probably not going to go to Laneway today" between 1.15pm and 2pm.
3.1 kilometres: The total distance between my house and the Sydney College Of The Arts.
45 minutes: The time it took me to walk that distance.
18 litres: The approximate amount of James Squire Golden Ale that seeped from my pours during the walk.
6 times I saw Some Girl violently huff her stockings up into her Nick Cave in the middle of Balmain Road, admirably not spilling a drop from her hip-flask of Captain Morgans as she did so.
2.5 litres of Jim Beam consumed by a skalliwag bunch of 19-year old Rockers pretending to be Kings Of Leon (circa That Good Album) on Balmain Road.
19 minutes before Leon vomited the bourbon onto his mate and/or Veronica and/or that girl he met at Field Day that kinda looks like the Gothy one from The Veronicas.
4 sniffer dogs enthusiastically sniffing my genitals on the way into the festival.
6.2 kilograms of hydro stuffed down the front of my pants.
2 @NSW_Police (Internet Division) officers just turned up to my door asking me if that last one was real.
19 seconds to convince them it wasn't.
15:01: I arrived at Laneway Festival 2012.
48 seconds between meeting up with my mates Biddy and Sonny, before one of them said "you look like you need a drink".
12 comments relating to my Royal Headache t-shirt.
8 comments that were "bloody good band" (or something to that effect).
3 comments that were about the footy player sculling a beer.
1 comment about Royal Headache's reluctance to "make a go of it".
2 minutes of Givers' set.
1 minute, 52 seconds of being fairly bored with Givers.
6 unreplied text messages sent during the day, asking people where they were.
1 minute, 48 seconds of watching Laura Marling before I realised it wasn't Girls.
52 metres from the stage. Always.
9 conversations I had throughout the day about "fucking Triple J" and/or "that AMP article" and/or "that fucking idiot that commented about KD Lang on that AMP article".
2 minutes, 15 seconds discussing with Rav whether or not he'd "K 'n' D" Mizz Lang.
218 shirtless "bros".
84 stray flaps, flapping in the breeze, free of the limiting confines of their highly mounted, incorrectly modified Daisy Duke enclosure.
19 faux hippie Lana Ray Ray gals from the Northern Beaches/The Shire gently swaying to inaudible songs blasted through insufficient P.A systems.
68 metres from the stage.
178 extra buses running between Bondi and Rozelle on Sunday, February 5.
412 pairs of designer sunglasses.
2 many beanies.
0 celebrity sightings of "Fitzy", Chris from Silverchair or The Toko Crew.
2 full performances — Girls and Twin Shadow.
2 lychee mojitos.
1 beer Mark Dodds claimed he bought for me but "had to drink before he could find me".
6 offers from Rav to have a swig from his hip flask of bourbon.
1 discussion with Aaron Doppleganger about Ketamine and whether or not it would improve my mood.
13 times I mentioned that "I wouldn't mind seeing Drake perform today".
6 Feist-related jokes (mostly about her strict no-photography policy).
1 unused Photography Pass.
17:53: I left Laneway Festival 2012.
0% chance of being given a P.I.P (Probably not Important Person) wristband and/or "Media Pass" to Laneway ever again.
Zero: Total amount of Fucks given about ever attending another Laneway Festival that doesn't involve Minor Threat, Fugazi, Mint Chicks, At The Drive-In, Drake, Rick Ross, Lil Scrappy, Yes I'm Leaving, Talons and Mental As Anything.