Life Hackings: How To Survive The Y2K Bug
We've had a good run. Actually, we've had a bloody great run. Tamagotchis, Burt Reynolds, David Beckham. It's hard to fathom a century being more culturally rich and, above all, fun. But, much like a pop album recorded by someone from the Minogue Family — all faultless things must eventually come to an end. And that end is nigh, really bloody nigh.
You see, when inventing computers back in 1998 Bill Gates and his fellow Computer Creationists — in an act encapsulating the true magnitude of their unbound greed — decided to slap a sticker on the side of every computer mainframe that read "Made in '98", instead of using the widely accepted standard of simply engraving the Unix Epoch Timestamp, a numerical representation of the number of days since England won the football world cup and ended World War 2. But what exactly did Bill and The Boys do with these two bytes they saved from every computer device on the planet? They won't say. Did they sell the two digits to a communist nation to be converted into uranium to help them build nuclear rockets to destroy the moon? Again, mute.
Regardless of your own personal theory of the current location of the '19', few can deny that it seems to be a ridiculous notion that a simple labelling oversight could cause any major future implications. But our pathetically small minds obviously cannot grasp the logical neutrons that lie behind modern sticker art. Scientists and highly regarded X-Files enthusiasts all agree that this "two-byte oversight" is not only a catchy slogan, but will also undoubtedly awaken the mythological "Y2k Bug", a small creature that lives inside us all and, much like the equally fictious Appendix, is incredibly pointless. Until it's not. Once this Bug is shaken from it's slumber, it'll most likely crawl out of our nose, disable all superior life forces (computers) and thus cause planes to bounce and cheques to fall out of the sky. One of the more dire predictions also involves an innocent father of four being charged one trillion dollars for not returning Sister Act 2 to his local video store in time.
But not all hope is lost. And while the days are clearly numbered — and also conveniently segregated into calendar "months" — they're also simultaneously counting down a date that'll signify the inevitable demise of all human existence. Thankfully, in a sinister plot to waste the little precious time you have left, we've successfully managed to compile a handful of handy tips (#LifeHacks) on survival suggestions for the unavoidable impending disaster.
Food In A Can
If we've learnt one thing from post-apocalypse documentaries such as The Walking Dead it's that priests are fucking assholes. If we've learnt two things, it's that when push comes to aggressive face nibble, the first people to go will undoubtedly be the weak — ie. those powered primarily by Farmers Markets and Organic Produce. Grab some cans of baked beans and carb load yourself up. Furthermore, spam is more than just something you delete a metric-tonne of every day, it's also packed with spiced ham nutrition and potential Nigerian Prince fortunes. Imagine just one of those offers turn out to be real, we'll be able to buy up the computers of the world and sacrifice them all.
You know when you look at a cat, I mean really look deep into their soul, and you get the feeling that they're seeing something else? Something beyond this world. It's a safe assumption that their vision includes the future, and possibly a solution for these future woes. Let's buddy up to these disgusting pests and hope the also somehow have the ability to communicate to us exactly where the true dangers lie in this post-Y2K world. As renowned philosopher Sporty Spice once said — "two should become one". Better get yourself a pair of these feline bastards just in case the first one's a dud and is merely visualising a really good place to wipe their ass.
Replace All Your Computers With Raspberry PIs
Whatever happened to those $4.95 computers that were not only going to halt Steve Job's stranglehold on modern consumerism but also end world hunger by ensuring all humans had direct access to Menulog via their own personal tablet? Undoubtedly these future devices are already compliant with Y2K traps, or at least have them available as one of the 400-plus additions you'll need to purchase to make the device actually useable.
Dig Yourself a Hole
That's just step one. Step two is hide in that hole. I'm not talking about the '90s band fronted by Courtney Love, but that's also a fairly good place to lay low (given their public obscurity for over a decade now). Wait for the world to get over their silly reliance on digital technology and resurrect from your little hole. You'll feel filthy, but also never more alive.
Chris Yates (aka Chris from Weak Boys aka Bong YZA) has revolutionised modern entertainment over the past few months with his unique fly-on-the-wall avante-garde film adventures. Amidst the impending doom it's imperative that there's a visual record created so that we not only learn how to prepare for future computer-related infections but also able to analyse our demise in the slowest of all motions. Regardless of how trivial the events you're recording may seem, "information is power" and Hollywood's strength will be measured by it's ability to withstand what the fear-mongering media outlets will undoubtedly label as "the brink of the end".
Get A Crew
Safety in numbers isn't just the motto of every half-decent Math Club across this nation, it's also a reliable sentence to turn to when the world ends. You probably don't know how to dig a hole, steal a cat or turn on a camcorder that thinks it's about to film everything in double-time, black-and-white visuals because it's the year 1900. But chances are somebody else knows all of that. And more. Like that coveted "override code" or the location of those two digits or even just something really useful like sexy stories about the time they went to third-base with Donna Haywood.
Bonus hack: "lads" are an incredibly resourceful species, able to convert glue into cocaine, a unsightly fashion item such as a fannypack into a useful storage companion and a carpark into a good night out. Definitely worth re-considered your "lads, are you fucking serious?" policy and forming an allegiance.
While contradictory to our initial point regarding stock-piling non-perishables, it's also probably a safe bet to hone up your gardening abilities. Broccoli doesn't grow on trees and even when it does it has to be massaged to life by a well-structured irrigation system.
Just Party 'til You Die
Again, to quote the same spice-loving, wisdom-leaking sports enthusiast as earlier — "fuck it, let's not worry about livin', let's have fun". It's a ridiculous mantra, but it does tie in neatly with the widely held belief that everything sucks and it's going to continue to suck. With the impending apocalypse currently scheduled for this Saturday at around 8pm, THIS EVENT is conveniently poised to be the ideal accompaniment your face melts (figuratively, from all the amazing music being performed) and then later (literally, as your face melts from the exposed nuclear matter circulating in the atmosphere from all the power plants that have exploded because they've been magically transported back to a time before they were born). Let's just enjoy ourselves guys. Bands from 1pm. $20 on the door. See ya down there.